In our dreams we fantasise about the ‘nice guy’. The one, who rings on time, brings you thoughtful gifts, makes you scream out loud in the bedroom, but knows that those dishes in the kitchen won’t wash themselves. The nice guy makes himself available to you, makes you an integral part of his life and itroduces you to his mother. Without you asking first.Except, I’m finding that it’s rarely the nice guy that gets any long-term air play!
Yeah, we all like be fawned over, idolised and unchallenged at the beginning of a relationship. It restores to our ego that which we lost when we last ventured into the relationship battle field. But after a while, sooner rather than later when talking about myself, the admiration starts to wear thin. You want to be challenged, intellectually, physically, maybe even emotionally.
The nice guy is almost TOO easy.
I cringe as I write this, as it means I haven’t evolved into the type of woman that thought I was. But I realise that my rebellion against what appears to be “common sense”, is derived from something bigger than my intellect.
My intuition
I’m drawn, physically, spiritually, emotionally, to the Alpha Male. He wets my taste buds and the thought of him makes me high. Yet this Alpha Male I hunger for, he lets me down, makes promises he doesn’t keep. And at any given time, I could be knowingly or otherwise, participating in some kind of fuck triangle. Or whatever kind of sexual balance he’s seeking at that time.
The Alpha male hunts. It’s in his nature. Always on the move, his illusiveness is intoxicating to a female in season. The Alpha male keeps you guessing and feeds you just enough so you’re not hungry, but never entirely full. The same behaviours the alpha male finds attractive in the alpha female I find. There’s something alluring about a man/woman who’s not too available. I don’t mean distant, and selfish, but that illusiveness that keeps you asking questions, seeking, and learning.
Your intelligence and a quick trip down memory lane, tells you to go for a ‘nice guy’. The sure fire thing. Steady, reliable, transparent.
But does a man loose him power when he completely lets his guard down?
Is there a time scale in which we can show our vulnerabilities and neediness within a relationship? Male or female?
When does a declaration of love stop being erotic, and become a turn off?
And that’s the key difference between the ‘Alpha male’ and the ‘nice guy’.
Timing
The Alpha male knows what to say and when to say it. He has confidence in spades, but can be self-deprecating in the same breath. The Alpha male disarms you with his heady mix of intense charm and casual disinterest. His deal clincher is to appeal to your nurturing side. A second of vulnerability is all it takes. He knows you’re watching him so intently; you’d never miss it. The Alpha male makes you examine yourself.
Am I good enough?
Can I have this man, and if not, then why not?
He becomes something you want to conquer. And when he’s flipped the script on you, and got you thinking that way, well…
It’s game over.
With that whole mind fuck to contend with, it begs the question why relatively intelligent, post-modern women, don’t lodge the game playing alpha male, in favour of something a little more stable, a little more likely to give us some of things that we honestly want. Are we dumb, blind, mentally unstable?
Why the nice guy never wins!
Granted, the nice guy, turns up on time, answers his phone in front of you (he has nothing to hide), showers you with compliments, listens to you, lets you decide where to go and what to do, backs down first in an argument wanting to keep the peace. But for the nice guy, his blessing is also his curse.
He lacks that” take charge” quality which women seem to find irresistible.
He’s just too damn nice.
He’s got No game!
All his cards are on the table in the first innings. He’s letting it all hang out, and wearing his heart on his sleeve.
Question?
“Why is genuine, unfettered emotion, so often seen as neediness, and why is neediness such a big turn off”. After all , we all have needs?
As I ponder on this subject. I realise the ‘nice guy’ takes on many female traits. He relinquishes the stereotype of modern day masculinity, and speaks his whole heart, showing his vulnerability and insecurities early on. In his enthusiasm for you, he removes his ego, and becomes kind of fearless, subject to his emotions. Real.
I’m sure these outpourings of adoration, constant compliments, and ego strokes are meant to titillate. They definitely warm your heart, and for a while they cater to my insecurities. But rather quickly, they leave me cold. They de-sexualise the man for me. He’s like a lion with no teeth. And I need to hear my lion roar.
My common sense rebukes me for wanting the danger, the opportunity for high drama. Calls me foolish for not being content with being worshipped and adored. But my heart knows’ the 100% no challenge, yes mam, nice guy, will never be for me.
I hunger for balance .For him, and also for myself.
The alpha male, who knows how to take his place, yet in doing so, understands the intrinsic needs of my feminine energy, even the parts of me that resonate ‘Alpha female’. Supposedly his rival.
I guess that would be a nice guy for me.
This is a hotly debated topic with so many single ladies out there. Tell me what you think about The Nice Guy Vs The Alpha Male!!!
Which have you chosen in the past and how has that worked out for you? Come start a debate in the comments.
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Note: This was written some time ago, my views have changed somewhat since, but I wanted to open the stage for debate
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
When I walk my dog and we pass by a squirrel, the squirrel’s FIRST reaction to the presence of the predator is to freeze. Why? Because the squirrel knows that if he starts to run, it will engage the predator’s chase drive and my dog will be coming after him like a bat out of hell.
Whats this got to do with the post? Everything.
The reason we like people who are unavailable, distant and aloof is because we are subjects to the same laws of nature as squirrels and dogs.
If the squirrel (alpha male) is running away than you (the female) will chase.
If the predator (nice guy) is chasing, than you (the squirrel) will have the natural tendency to run away.
Law of nature.
Btw…you cant help liking an alpha male. Eons of evolution have programmed you to seek out an alpha male. Have you ever seen a tribal chief without a woman? No. he gets the top pick and all women are programmed to seek the tribal chief. Its the best way to guarantee her survival and the survival of the offspring.
Have you ever seen a king without his queen? No. Same logic as above applies.
Anyways…I really enjoyed this post…one of my fav topics..
Dino Dogan recently posted..Does Your Business Suffer From Chronic Blindness
Hey Dino, I love this topic to, it stirs up alot of hearty debate, when it comes onto the agenda when I’m out with the girls. They all want the alpha, but usually need the nice guy, until they have worked their status up to alpha female. Thanks for the comment. What breed of dog do you have BTW?
Thanks for asking, but I prefer women……………….:)
Can I be both; nice guy and Alpha male? Probably not and I know exactly what you are saying. I certainly have a competitive, athletic side but I also have a sensitive side as well.
I fit in perfectly w/ the guys and can talk about women, sports, drinking, women & women. However, I also have quite a few ‘girl’ friends as well and they are perfectly comfortable around me.
Yes, I would like to be the man’s man George Clooney type but physically that’s not me. I think chicks dig me and I would say some are fairly available but I’m not in the market and haven’t been for some time, so it is what it is.
I guess ultimately everyone has a personal preference as to what floats their boat.
So yes, you can be my friend and you don’t have to worry about me sparking any flame……..but you never know…………:).
Bad boy, good boy……….women sure do like that bad boy but you can still be an innocent looking bad boy, right?
Bill Dorman recently posted..Will you miss me when I’m gone
Hey Bill, your comment made me giggle. I think the men who have long term successful relationships naturally seam to have that winning combination of masculine and feminine energy. They are able to be one of the lads, but equally able to be at ease in the company of women talking about anything. I used to have serious bad boy syndrome, but thankfully met a man who taught me exactly what I should be looking for, expecting and accepting in a relationship. That one didn’t last, but he schooled me well. I’m finally truly happy. Sounds like your wife bagged a winner too!
Thanks for commenting Bill, mucho appreciated
Twitter: chanelingmyself
May 3, 2011 at 6:15 am
I really enjoyed this one Stacey. A co-worker and I were recently discussing the animal kingdom and how the alpha male never gets fuc##% with. He’s typically the only male who gets to mate, gets to eat first, and sets the rules for the rest. He is also the leader and protector, it’s no wonder in the human species more females prefer the alpha type male.
In a wolf pack there is the alpha and the omega. The alpha is always male but the omega can be male or female. This omega wolf is the “kicking dog” for the rest of the pack, the nice guy you referred to is kind of like that omega in the wolf pack hierarchy. I’m sure if wolves could talk the females would all go to the omega for emotional support but run to the alpha for sex and protection.
Todd | Channelingmyself recently posted..GM Food Awareness
LMAO…Todd, you nailed it. ” I’m sure if wolves could talk the females would all go to the omega for emotional support but run to the alpha for sex and protection”.
The funny this is, most of the women I have conversed about this with , have found they have required different things from their mate, as they have matured in life. For me, a man who is predominately Alpha but has the core omega ( balancing) traits, fits me the best. No woman wants a man who can’t control their emotions, feed their family, or have their back against an aggressor. But equally we don’t want to share our alpha with the rest of the pack, deal with aggressive behaviour towards us, or have to remind him that since he choose to procreate in a few different places, he now has to make away to stretch his self and his finances in a few different places to accommodate that. Humans are complicated, the animal kingdom keeps it simple. I love your comment, thanks for joining in.
Twitter: chanelingmyself
May 8, 2011 at 12:59 am
I and my best friend used to be those nice guys back in our late teens early 20s. We would be the guys all the girls hung out with at parties because we were funny and communicated with them. However, that is all they wanted from us and I soon learned nice guys finish last.
Todd | Channelingmyself recently posted..GM Food Awareness
Hey Todd, the good guys don’t always finish last. They often finish through the back door, lol.
So women go for the Alpha Male? As opposed to what? The Beta Male? Beta Male … it sounds like the software is still being tested and there are bugs in the system. Perhaps once the Beta Male has had some uptime he will qualify as an update for general release.
So what then is an Alpha Male? Perhaps Alpha precedes Beta in design specifications? Perhaps the Alpha Male is the original concept? All concepts need to be fleshed into a reality and of course concepts mean different things to different people depending upon their interpretation, selective reasoning and wishful thinking.
So the Alpha Male is a lie. The Alpha Male does not exist. The Alpha Male is a fantasy. The Beta Male is a truth. The Beta Male is a genuine conscious and tangible attempt at evolution. But the Beta Male gets a bad rap. Of course he does. He’s weak. He’s riddled with faults and they are all glaringly apparent. The Beta Male is a limp grey mass of ill formatted ideas and ideals hung on a frame of hope like an ill fitting suit on a job hunting teenager.
Then let’s look at Gamma Male through to Omega Male. Now we’re talking. Now our man has panache, pecs, poise. But look closer. Still a man. Faulty. Prone to breakdowns and redundancy. Mortal. Never really close to what it said on the packaging at the store when you were ordering the Alpha Male.
Our problem here is not one of product development. In a fast paced modern commercial society every product will become obsolete in a short frame of time. You can never future-proof your purchase. Leasing or rental will ensure that you always have the latest gimmicks and fancier knobs (different shapes and sizes) and dials. But now you want intimacy, ownership, familiarity … love!
Here is the core of our conundrum:
Female Relationship Fantasy (Expectation x Supply x Demand = Infinity
Female Relationship Reality (Expectation x Supply x Demand = Some bloke that is at least as fallible as you and probably more so).
Well how is a girl to choose? Firstly you are lucky because the inverse calculation is simpler:
Male Relationship Fantasy (Expectation x Supply x Demand = Gangs of bisexual tarts that don’t mind watching football as a prelude to a drunken sexual marathon).
Male Relationship Reality (Expectation x Supply x Demand = A girl that smells nice and does not shout at me … but I still kinda believe in the fantasy scenario with the lesbians and the football on the TV).
Conclusion:
Both Male and Female suffer from idealism and this is amplified by modern society and the oppressive weight of ideals firing around media and social consciousness. Satisfaction cannot be guaranteed where the flow of ideas cannot be plugged.
How can we overcome our own viscious imaginations?
Let’s look at shopping for clothes assuming you can get the Alpha Male to the mall:
Alpha Male – You look gorgeous darling
Female – I love him
Beta Male – Your arse looks big in that.
Female – You’re dumped girlie boy.
Alpha Male – Your arse looks big in that.
Female – I need to get my man into bed before he goes cold then get to the gym while he’s sleeping.
Beta Male –– You look gorgeous darling.
Female – My arse looks big in this … Get out of my life limp-dick.
Solution:
We must all learn to lie to ourselves convincingly …
Any Male – Your arse looks big in that and I love it.
Female – My man is a Love God and sexual legend.
There quite simply is nothing I can add that will take this comment to the next level…Magic, insightful, amusing, truthful, I like it
The original article looks at the ‘Alpha Male’ in a very simplistic eyes-view. To be Alpha does not mean he is a bad boy, nor does it mean he will hunt other women or bed them whilst dating you, that is just down to a particular guys lack of stable qualities. As a relationship consultant and researcher most of the traits demonstrated by the Alpha Male are ones of dynamism, being driven to succeed in whatever chose career he may choose. Confident in his own skin, ability to stand out in a crowd, not due necessarily to being exceptionally physically good looking to the masses, but through his cool air of confidence, ability to talk on most subjects, a good listener, yes a good listener, as this is well know for leaving a lasting impression. He is both interested and interesting, doesn’t try to prove his worth, he knows it. He has a good balance of masculinity and a sensitive side to his nature – he is NOT one dimensional as most here seem to depict, a kind of lads lad, out to bed more women than digits in his age. And I think this is were most women mistake what Alpha really means. Yes he’s a natural leader, but not an unbalanced, uncaring, sexually promiscuous time bomb indicated here. There will always be some Alphas along with Betas that have qualities that are usually associated with bad boys, nevertheless an Alpha who is emotionally intelligent, has a high IQ would make a wonderful partner, providing the woman was equally emotionally mature and not turned on or think that a man who leaves her wondering what his next move is..is exciting, that is someone who also needs to evolve and grow.
George Clooney is a prime example of an Alpha Male who is neither emotionally mature or has the qualities to make a stable partner. A man I wouldn’t look twice at, yet I know most women do, so what are they judging him being so desirable on..Lastly Alpha Males can take on any physical look, overweight, no not obese, short, tall, balding, blue, brown eyes, exceptionally good looking or NOT, the Alpha is about who he is inside, how he portrays and carries himself.