How many friends do you have?
When I say friends, I don’t mean FB buddies or Twitter followers, but real friends. People you could a would call, if you were down to your last dime and needed a pint of milk, or received some really bad news and needed a strong shoulder to cry on ?
Personally, I have a ton of acquaintances. My other half likes to say, that we could rock up to Alaska and I would be sure to know at least 3 Eskimo’s. I seriously doubt it, but I get his point.
You see although I make connections easily, and will talk to anyone, I’m very selective about who I bring into my inner circle.
That’s why when my best friend and I dissolved our relationship after over 16 years in each other’s lives. I was totally devastated.
So what happened
Expectation happened.
I entrusted my best friend with my one prized possession – my home, whilst I went to fulfil my dream of travelling for a year. Never for a second did I think a thing would go wrong with my right hand girl in charge. But go wrong, it did.
So wrong in fact, that within 78 hours of the problem arising, I was on a plane back to England from Indonesia, Medan to be exact, to fight for it.
I won’t go into the details as they would only bore you, but needless to say, whilst several thousand pounds down ( there goes my flashpacking), I was back on a beach in Bali, next to my partner ( who I’d left out there) within 12 days. This was my dream, and I wasn’t about to let it die quite so easily.
Still sun kissed and several pounds lighter from the stress, I was also heart broken.
When I’d challenged my bf of 16 years and the mother of my beautiful god children, on her failure to handle my business and hers; as we’d agreed. She told me “she didn’t want to be held responsible, and as far she could see, we had nothing else to say to one another”
Well she only had to tell me once.
That day I made the painful decision, that regardless of any rethinks or comebacks, our friendship was definitely over.
So to wrap this sob story up; in the space of two weeks, I’d lost my bf, my god children, very nearly lost my home and had depleted a large chunk of my travel savings. As I said, I was ….
Heart Broken
I searched for reasons to make her right and me wrong (which is unlike me), and came up blank. It finally dawned on me that I was best friendless. So I drowned my sorrows in expensive Indonesian beer, transient acquaintances, sunshine and kept my English stiff upper lip, in the knowledge that this was her shit, and not mine.
Gilli Trawangan, where I was meant to be. Please excuse the face, it was the expensive Indo beer
So how did I recover?
Well it was hard.
Despite the urge to lambast her to anyone who would listen. I refrained, internalised the process and decided to alchemise the experience into a lesson in loss, and boy oh boy did I feel lost.
Best friends anchor us, they cheers us on from the side lines and call us on our ‘stuff’. They listen to our problems without judgement, they know the ugly things about our personalities that Twitter followers and ‘randoms’ will never know. The reality is, the older we get, the less opportunities we have to build these kind of (your family) friendships. It’s your history together that makes the whole thing, so damn special.
So although this happened in June last year, I can honestly say it’s only now, I’ve felt suitably recovered to discuss and reflect on it objectively. I also realised that I’m not the only person in the world who has had a friend betray them and shed some grown woman tears. So I decided to write about it.
What to do when your best friend or any friend, betrays you:
- Resist the urge to character assassinate. It feels good in the moment, but afterwards, you feel like your 16 years old
- Don’t get into email wars, say what you have to say via email or preferably face to face, then shut up
- Allow yourself some time to mourn. When you lose a friend and in your heart you know it’s permanent, it’s like the death of a loved one. It’s ok to wear black for a few days
- Find someone who you trust and then talk about it. Not in a “he said, she said” kind of way, but talk through the situation and your feelings
- Make sure that person is neutral. There is nothing worse than pouring out your heart, then worrying for weeks after, whether that conversation is now on the grapevine
- Use it as an opportunity to get closer to other friends. They may have been your best friend, but they aren’t your only friend
What not to do:
- Pretend like it didn’t happen and drown yourself in cheap Indonesian beer, or your medication of choice
- Keep going back over old ground. If you’ve made the decision that the friendship really is over, then have the courage of your convictions
- Discuss the situation ad nauseum with mutual friends. You will only become childish and resentful, and your slagging off session will reach their ears sooner or later. Not that you much care, but why not be the bigger person
- Immediately try and replace the friendship with someone else. This is called being on the ‘rebound’ and rarely works out
- Beat yourself up about it. If on reflection it was YOU who screwed up monumentally, then be a grown up and make your peace. They don’t have to accept it, but that’s the right thing to do. If it wasn’t you and your mind is made up, then don’t make it any harder than it has to be.
My best friend as I will never talk again. The reality of this is now my decision, as I’m pretty sure she would try again given half a chance, but I’m officially done. It saddens me; that I won’t be at the kids school plays, will no longer receive their phone calls just to tell me they love me. Seriously it does, but I’m over it.
Like I said, they may have been your best friend, but hopefully not your only friend, so move on.
So if you’ve ever wondered what to do when your best friend betrays you, this is what worked for me.
- Have you ever lost a best friend, and if so, how did you recover
- How many chances do you give friends, before you say enough is enough
- Do you think it’s possible to find a new best friend, when you’re nicely into your thirties? Do we even need best friends at that age
Come and share your thoughts and experiences with me, let’s heal a little bit more, together. If you liked this post or think it may help others, then why not share it.
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{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: benny_hsu
May 4, 2011 at 9:37 pm
Wow she must have done something serious for you to leave Indonesia to take care of the problem! At least you went back to Bali. I was just there in March for the first time. Went to Ubud. Loved it!
I think it’s possible to have best friends in your 30′s. Does meeting my fiance 2.5 years ago when I was 31 count? Before that I had a best friend when i was growing up but not one I would say until I met her. Now she’s my ultimate best friend and I feel so lucky.
But enough about me…
How many chances would I give a friend? Depends on what they did. If it’s serious enough, there wouldn’t be another chance. Just depends on the scenario.
Benny recently posted..Interview with Adrienne Smith Talks Life Changes Building Community and Being Productive
Benny, I left a piece of my heart in Ubud, I can say its one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to in my life. I’m so glad your partner is your best-friend, that’s a beautiful thing.
Our friendship “deal breakers” all different. My tolerance level is pretty high, it needs to be, as I too can be a right pain in the ass,get things wrong, and need my friends to be able to see past that and just love me.
But there are some scenarios where you know, “even if I pretend everything is ok, things will never be the same”. When you feel like that, it’s definitely time to move on. Feel free to share your experiences and much as you like here, I love it when people speak from the heart : )
Hooofa…what a story.
Did you know that -statistically speaking- you are more likely to commit suicide than make a friend , after turning 30?
Dino Dogan recently posted..3 Ways in Which Meditative Practices Can Help You Grow Your Business
Twitter: thejackb
May 5, 2011 at 3:24 am
Well that is cheerful news.
Jack@TheJackB recently posted..Stupid Blog Tricks- The Difference Between The Best & Most Popular
Hi Jack, I know this isn’t a cheerful story, but it’s a real story. Sometimes sad things happen in life. Good to see you again : )
Ahh….I get it, you mean Dino’s suicide theory. I’m a duffus sometimes : )
Twitter: thejackb
May 5, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Yes, I wouldn’t make fun of your situation.
Jack@TheJackB recently posted..The Best Video Game Ever
I think Jack was refering to Dino’s comment…………….
Bill Dorman recently posted..Well- that was awkward…
Thanks Dino, luckily for me Tower Bridge is only a short walk away, lol
So tell me then big guy, how many BF’s do you have ? Do men even own up to having bf and feeling gutted when it all goes wrong, or are they too cool for all that : )
Who? Me? all right, all right…
I think only two…and one of them lives in Sweden so Im not sure if that counts. I have many good friends…the kind that will help you move. But only two that would help me move a body, as the old joke goes.
Dino Dogan recently posted..3 Ways in Which Meditative Practices Can Help You Grow Your Business
Of course the buddy in Sweden counts. It’s not the proximity that makes you bf, it’s the intimacy you share.
I have a few other wonderful people in my life who have filled the gap and helped me move on. Despite the drama, I still feel blessed
Classic……………
Bill Dorman recently posted..Well- that was awkward…
Christ Dino, way to lighten the convo up. Plus, why do you know that stat? Your twisted mind is one of kind. The kind that kicks ass.
Sorry for the hardship Stacey. Way to keep on going strong. I’m on a huge Hunter S. kick, so here is a quote.
“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”
— Hunter S. Thompson
Hey Brad, you can always’s rely on Dino to not let you strum your violin for too long. I’d be interested to know where he got that
stat to, lol
This was a beautiful exert that you quoted there, very apt and also a little sad. I have never read any Hunter S Thompson. It was a hardship for a while, but I guess we have to make a choice to bounce back when were totally derailed.
Being able to verbalise it and share that pain (which I know is universal), with others was just another way of really letting go.
The pen is mightier than the sword, or so they say.
Thanks for sharing Brad
Yeah, the quote is a bit sad if you look at like, “shit, I’m alone-alone”. I just tried to point out that the pain of loss is universal, but screw it, move on because no one gets out of here alive… Shit, that might even be worse. Jesus, I better stop.
How about this. Smile, kick ass, drink piña coladas, and enjoy a nice sunset. Plus time heals all wounds and [Insert other bullshit cliches to make you feel better ]
Brad recently posted..I want you to push me off a cliff
Brad you are officially awesome, my kinda guy, lol. I’m with you. Smile, kick ass, pina colada and sunset ( gotta add a dip in the ocean) works just fine for me.
“I want you to push me off a cliff”, sounds like it may be a little on the sad side too, going to check it out now, lol
No! Dino! That can’t be so! I’m past 30 (never mind how much) and I recently met Stacey!
Lori
Lori Gosselin recently posted..Are You a Hugger
You might have something there Lori. If my memory serves me correctly, this stat is from the 80s. In other words, pre Social Media.
Which brings up a question. Do online friends count for as much? My instinct tells me no, but could I be wrong? Is there a post here? Will Stacey write it? Can I add another question mark to this comment?
Apparently I can
Dino Dogan recently posted..3 Ways in Which Meditative Practices Can Help You Grow Your Business
And you did. Hmmm.. friends online measuring up to the face-to-face kind? I don’t want to be cheesy, but I believe they can in time. Just like offline. I mean I’m getting to know some people over at my place, LFI and it’s always fun to run into them at other places. I think we are social beings who just gravitate towards the familiar. So YES, I’ve never “met” Stacey, yet I have a clear sense of her, not only from her writing, but just from the energy I get when I am “around” her.
And I’m NEVER wrong LOL
Lori
Lori Gosselin recently posted..Are You a Hugger
what, never, are you telling me there was a life before social media.. The 80′s, what is that exactly, do you have pictures? lol.
On-line friends definitely count, but unless you actually speak by phone, personally via email, and that kind of thing. I think there is always a slight level of distance that is impossible to bridge. Also they can’t laugh with you, cry with you and share in your triumphs and screw ups in quite the same way. So whilst they count, and make your life more diverse, it will never be quite the same. Like I said to you the other day, had we been in the same country, I would have been on the phone like ” Hey D, grab your lady, let’s go hang in the park, drink cold beer, eat bad food, and goof around”. The distance stops you taking your appreciation of one another to the next level
I don’t know, if Dino says it, it must be so……….
Bill Dorman recently posted..Well- that was awkward…
That’s my Dino; a wealth of ‘say what’ facts……..
Bill Dorman recently posted..Well- that was awkward…
A crushing story but my goodness you need an editor. Half of this is a grave challenge to even read. Time heals all wounds.
Clint, this may not be written to your standards and quite possibly my writing and editing sucks IYO, I’m willing to accept that. The interesting thing is you read to the end and decided to leave a comment, albeit a not particularly nice one. Like you said ” time heals all wounds”, even the little one I felt this morning when I read your comment. I’ll make you a deal; I’ll manage my ego, if you manage yours. No one get’s it right every time Clint, all we can do it try, with our writing and in life. Take care
Damn, I was not expecting that! When I opened the post I as expecting something a little less serious like the time one of my best friends stole my wallet. (She was broke as a joke and in major debt and I ultimately forgave her b/c I can’t stay mad at anyone). But THIS… shit.
This is my 1st time over to your blog and I’ve been browsing your blog and I have to say I admire your spirit and outlook! It sucks when bad things happen to good people, but as you’ve showsn yourself, it teaches us lessons. … sometimes I wish we didn’t have to learn them though!
Here’s to FRIENDSHIP… and being the best friend we can be to those in our lives,
Laur
Laur @ The Mad To Live recently posted..Sit Downs With Mad Ones- Lach Cotter of The Art of Audacity
Here’s to friendship indeed laura, I’m raising my glass right with you. Sometimes I wonder whether I go to far with the things I reveal, or go into here. I wonder if it makes people uncomfortable, then part of me thinks that a good thing, as truth/life is often uncomfortable and how deal it with, shapes who we are as people.
You know what, if there was anyway on Gods green earth I could have salvaged my friendship I would have done. I don’t hold a grudge or even any negativity, it was just time to move on.
Thanks for coming over, sharing and getting involved. I really appreciate it
ps. If my bf stole my wallet, I’d me mad as hell, it’s great you were able to get past it and forgive
Twitter: mic_mac
May 5, 2011 at 1:16 am
I walked away from a long-timer friend a little over a year. A year later, she’s still spewing hateful and false comments about me to anyone who will listen. It only makes her look bad.
Some behaviours cannot be overlooked and that’s what happened in this case. All the vindictive things she has done since only compounds the problem and confirms that parting ways was the right decision.
As for whether you can find another best friend in your 30s, Dino, all I have to say is this: In this lifetime, you will only have one or two true friends you can count on. The hoards of others you know are, as you say, acquaintances and some of them will be fantastic acquaintances. If you’re meant to find another best friend, you will. Otherwise, enjoy your life and the people you have in it in the here and now.
Elyse Bruce recently posted..Of Life And Living
Hey Elyse ( beautiful name by the way), I agree with your sentiment,” that if your meant to find another BF you will, otherwise enjoy your life and the people you have in it, in the here and now”. Walking away from a friendship is difficult at the best of times, but when they have been in your life for ever, it;’s even harder, don’t you find ?
Like Dino and yourself, I also believe that in our lifetime we only find a few friends we can truly count on. I’ve also come to realise that we have an even greater level of expectation in those friendships. I’ve found it interesting to difference in the way men and women conduct there friendships. With us girls things can get real nasty real quick if we don’t check ourselves. Well done for not rising to the bate : )
This is such a sad story. My BF and I didn’t have a falling out, we just drifted apart, literally. With university and living abroad, we’re lucky if we see each other once a year. It’s a real bummer to go from constant closeness to nothing, like a break-up. Only even with this break-up your BF’s not there to bring the ice cream.
But just like a break-up, someone else will come along.
Hi Whitney,at the time it really was devastating, fortunately I had some amazing people in my life, who where able to bring the ice cream and lots of hugs and affirmation when I was right in the middle of it. When growing up, moving away or life, brings your friendship to a standstill, that can be just as hard to adjust to as when something catastrophic happens. I guess what I’m saying is it doesn’t really matter what happened perse, but rather how you feel as a result of not having that person in you life any more. Your right, it’s kind of like a break up, lol
Hey Stacey,
I’m sorry for your painful experience! I know what it’s like to lose a good friend and to search for her in other relationships for a long time! I admire how you decided to “alchemise the experience into a lesson”. I never would have thought of that at the time. A poem, perhaps, LOL
I already argued with Dino about the idea that it’s hard to make good friends after the age of 30 (so you’ve got lots of time, right!) but I want to add something else I’ve learned since I lost that friendship.
I’ve noticed that I have many friends now, but none of them are that BFF that I lost. In a way, it’s healthier this way – a not-having-all-my-eggs-in-one-basket sort of thing, and not having all my expectations (as you said) resting on one person’s actions. My friends are all different, and I call them for different reasons – I have my shopping friend, my talking-about-life friend, my laughing friend, my healing friend.
I know it does take time to build a history that gives a friendship a good foundation, but consider that to a new friend all your stories are NEW! And go find one!
Start with me, if you like
Lori
Lori Gosselin recently posted..Are You a Hugger
You have a good, kind, warm heart Lori, I bet you make friends in a beat. But your right, to start off with you can unconsciously find yourself comparing them with the bf you lost, and sometimes you don’t give people the chance they are deserved of.
When I was younger I always thought it meant I was disloyal if my best friend wasn’t my all any everything. But as I’ve grown up, I’ve come to realise that it’s really hard for one person to be all things to you, meet all your needs (what ever they may be) and never screw up. The level of expectation is just to high. This goes for romantic relationships as well as friendships.
I have a great group of girlfriends some I’ve known for years, and some I’ve only connected with recently and I can definitely have fun about town with them ( like tonight). But sometimes, though not as often now..something fun/sad/ridiculous happens, and my gut reactions is to call ?, because I know they would just get IT and me, immediately without any explanation, and I have to remember…oohhhh, it’s not like that any more. I love what you say that “to a new friend, all your stories are new”. I never thought of it like that. Thanks for Sharing Lori, and I look forward to becoming friends with you : )
Stacey,
Wow that’s painful stuff. Loss is painful and the loss of a really close relationship is devastating. What I try to do (and fail miserably) is not put all my emotional eggs into one basket. If diversification is a wise strategy for investors, I thought I might as well try it in my personal life. It sounds like to me you handled it pretty well.
Riley
Riley Harrison recently posted..JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
Hey Riley
Lori said something really similar about not putting all your eggs in the same basket.
I never really thought about it that way before, but your right, if diversification minimises risk and increases opportunity in business, then why not give it a go in life…all expect your love life, lol
For me at least, that kind of diversification is not so fun
You make a great actionable point, thank you
Twitter: martinsaysjump
May 5, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Loosing a friend , especially a good friend is never a good thing. But, hey s*** happens. We just need to get up and move on like you did! The have been several times this have happened to me and what I do:
1.In anger do not act! You can still tell the person to go to hell the next day (which you woudlnt b/c youll no longer be angry)
2.Just remind myself that there are just good people who just do things badly.
And I think a friend is not something you find, it just happens. And I readily forgive my friends as often as required
Martinsays: Thanks
Martin recently posted..A mistake you are most probably making
Hey Martin, what up. How’s life? Good to see you again.
I think I read a Paul Coelho quote that is similar to what you said ” you can always tell them to go to hell the next day”.
Friends do “just happen”, I have met a bunch of incredible women this year, strong, feisty, funny, smart women. Whilst we not besties, they make my life ultimately that much more fun.
Thanks for hanging out Martin
Twitter: Goalsblogger
May 5, 2011 at 9:28 pm
Hi Martin,
I like that: “there are good people, who just do things badly”. I’ve heard some time ago that people are not their behaviors. Easy to say…;)
Derek Potocki recently posted..The wall
Hey Derek
This can only be true. I would like to consider myself a good person, but there are more things than I care to mention which I do appallingly badly. Having patience, humility, forgiveness and understanding makes life a little bit easier, for all of us. How you doing? will be over at your place a little later. I love that hat in your pic by the way,
Let me ask you a tough question: did your friend really betray you or was she just grossly irresponsible to the point it cost you dearly? Regardless, you will never have what you had but I would urge forgiveness on some level.
I think you can make best friends at any age; but having been burned you are more apt to proceed with caution.
I like Dino’s analogy; I have plenty of friends who would help me move but only a couple who would help me move a body.
It’s a shame it happened and especially since you had grown close to the kids.
Can I also ask, is that your arrrgggghhhh face?
Bill Dorman recently posted..Well- that was awkward…
Trust Bill to not let me hide. I really had to think about this before I could give an honest answer. The situation wasn’t betrayal in a Othello/Desdemona kind of way. But I emerged from it, feeling incredibly betrayed, as yes, it was gross irresponsibility at it’s highest level. Causing someone to nearly be homeless, and not to mention the £,it took to make things right, is no small matter. Had their been some ownership or even an apology, their may have been some tiny room for reparation. I watched those children come into the earth, I will always love them and I’m many ways her.
I have already forgiven Bill, but I have not forgotten, and therein lies the difference. Forgiveness is rarely about the other person it is about you, so that a seed of bitterness does not take root in your heart. And yes that is my arrggghhhhh face, but this was a happy arrrgggggggghhh, lol
Stacey,
Without knowing you personally, and only knowing you online for a short time…I feel like I know your personally already. Your outgoing, an extrovert, fun and you keep it real. I love it. Even when I see your Gravatar it says to me – “I’m loving life” all over it.
Just had to mention that.
I’m selective about who I bring into my inner circle. For that very reason, I don’t have very many friends. I have too much that’s precious to me – my family – to allow just anyone in. So, I’m very calculated into getting to get know people WELL prior to letting them too close.
I do well at managing relationships without letting people get close – I guess it’s a quality that I’ve always had – growing up in the environment that I grew up in.
Despite your strength, I hope it crumbles and one day you and your best friend to speak again. Life is too short. I’ve been in one situation similar to yours (not as big) with my cousin, and in time, I just had to fold – I couldn’t hold up the front.
HOWEVER, if the relationship is truly “not happening” then I hope that things continue course and you find another best friend.
I’m 30 and never really think about best friends outside of my wife. I’m very blessed in that regard. And to top it off, with 3 kids – life keeps us busy and working towards the same goals.
But I do feel like friends can always be made…as long as you’re willing to let them in. I just mention that you not base your next friendship on the destructive relationship from your previous best friend. Sometimes, we just have to be vulnerable!
Congrats to you by the way on being a traveler. Much respect and admiration!
And consider me a friend Stacey – pplleeaassee!!
Wonderful conversation by the way going on here in the comments!
PEACE – it’s friday!
Thanks JK, you made me smile. When you put that silly red hat on, you can’t take life or yourself to seriously. I get the feeling we grew up in not to dissimilar neighbourhoods, where you have to be super careful who you let in the house. Things start going missing otherwise, lol. This alertness and examining nature of others, before you let them get to close to you or yours, stay with you for the rest of you life I think. But there is also something incredibly liberating about being open, inviting and embracing. That is until a person gives you cause to behave otherwise. Travelling opened my eyes in more ways than I’ll probably ever imagine. Stereotypes got torn right up, and the ability to discern who you want to spend time with goes on high alert because you have so many options. If there is one thing I would encourage all parents to instil in their babies, it’s to be fearless and go out there and see the world, it’s beautiful beyond our wildest imaginings. Thanks for making the conversation, just that little bit more awesome. I appreciate ya : )
Twitter: smartboydesigns
May 6, 2011 at 1:39 pm
I think it’s always possible to find a new best friend. Although it can be difficult at times; there are always more people out there for us to learn from, enjoy and laugh with.
Friends have come and gone throughout my life, but I really have always been grateful for my family. They’re always there, always giving me love – and will forever be my rock and support. Independent of any friends.
Christian Hollingsworth recently posted..The Dragon Blogger- Interview with Justin Germino
Hey Christian, nice to see you, your right, family is where it’s at, though they’re also human and will occasionally let us down too. I’m the oldest of 7 siblings and where all fairly close which I’m really grateful for. Your totally right, there are lots of people out there to laugh with, enjoy and learn from. Thanks for sharing your thoughts : )
Stacey,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and also so great tips on how to appropriately handle this situation when it happens in your life. I have had issues with this in the past and for a long time I have avoided allowing someone to get that close to me. I have acquaintances but only a few people I would call friends. Maybe I have some growing up to do but I prefer to keep a distance from people and that way no one has to get hurt. Over time I am learning to give of myself a little more but it is really difficult. This post has helped me understand how to cope when things go wrong in our relationships, not just our friendships. Thanks for sharing your talent.
Hey Frank, I really feel what you said here “I have had issues with this in the past and for a long time I have avoided allowing someone to get that close to me.”
Even though our rational minds know everyone is not the same, we start to set up emotional gateways, where people can’t get to close, and we can’t get to hurt.
It’s not so much that you have some growing up to do, but some healing and maybe a little forgiving ?
Thanks for your honest, heart felt contribution Frank, I’ve really be enjoying getting the masculine perspective on this.
Hi Stacey,
I saw your post earlier this week but it brought up so many stories that I prefered to wait for a quiet (er) Saturday am to comment.
It’s true that we always get betrayed by the ones who are closest to us. After all we don’t trust the people who we don’t like and would never give them a chance to betray us.
This doesn’t mean we don’t feel like complete fools when it happens.
Over the years I have become more laid back about it. For one, I think people choose to act a certain way because they see us very differently then we see them.
We put our expectations so high and then we setup ourselves up to be deceived.
Since I have moved around so much in my life, I learned that yes we can make new best friends, in our twenties, or thirties. What matters is how we approach it, as a giving person who wants to help others and just manage our expectations.
Tough subject for this post Stacey, but great conversation.
John Falchetto recently posted..Why we hire the wrong person
Hi John, it was interesting to see where everyone went with such a delicate subject. The male perspective has been especially insightful. Managing our expectations in relationships, is one of the most difficult, but most important things to do. In the past, I haven’t always been that great at it.
It’s interesting what you say “For one, I think people choose to act a certain way because they see us very differently then we see them”
I think we can take it for granted sometimes that people where close to, will do/say/behave in the way we would in any given situation, and when they don’t, were disappointed.
It’s good to know we can make new friends, whatever age, wherever in the world we are. Thanks for sharing John
Twitter: Faryna
May 10, 2011 at 3:50 am
Well said, John! Indeed, this is a great conversation.
Stan Faryna recently posted..Backyard Monsters Cheats- Shiny and Strategy
Twitter: Faryna
May 9, 2011 at 4:02 pm
I could say too much on the subject of friendship, betrayal, love, loss and disappointment. [grin]
And those around me could say much about how I effectively manage relationships with people that have demonstrated bad will, criminal intention and vicious cunning. Most of the time, I get what I want from those special relationships in exchange for things that I decide are fair and reasonable.
Let’s save that a rainy day.
Here’s my input:
1. Losing a close friend sucks. It can happen. That doesn’t make it easier. My heart goes out to you.
2. Age makes no difference. You can make friends until you are dead. Maybe, also, on the other side.
3. Certain expectations must be clearly defined and communicated to each other – one way or another.
4. There is a balance of give and take which must be accounted for in any relationship. Make the accounting often. A good friend repays debts with considerable interest as quickly as possible.
5. Disagreement, argument and conflict happen in real relationships. Otherwise, it’s a fantasy. Conflict resolution demonstrates commitment.
6. Sentence can suck- pray the situations does not arise. I have executed sentence such as firing the dearest of friends and putting them on unemployment. And I wept bitterly for days for doing so. Judgment cannot be avoided- even if it should be administered with compassion and mercy. And, yes, I have been tempted to execute more than one death sentence for crimes against humanity.
7. There are several kinds of friendship patterns according to Aristotle and C.S. Lewis. Only a friendship in goodness has the potential that is worthy of our jealousy, our loyalty, and sincere dedication.
Stan Faryna recently posted..Backyard Monsters Cheats- Shiny and Strategy
Hi Stan
I find these two things you say of particular interest
3. Certain expectations must be clearly defined and communicated to each other – one way or another.
This is something I have learnt from failing to do it in the past and expecting people to be mind readers
4. There is a balance of give and take which must be accounted for in any relationship. Make the accounting often. A good friend repays debts with considerable interest as quickly as possible.
I’ve never seen friendship in that way. If asked what makes a good friend, this wouldn’t be something that would occur to me. What is your thinking behind this?
Twitter: Faryna
May 10, 2011 at 3:40 am
The Economy of Friendship… sounds like a best-selling book. And someone needs to write it. Yesterday! [grin]
On the other hand, it seems suspect to think there is an economy to friendship (or love for that matter), because talking about the economics seems to strip it (relationship, friendship, love) of its magic, mystery, wonder, joy and pricelessness. An economic analysis implies explicitly that… ugh… there’s no unicorns or tooth fairies. In fact, we have the same disdain for the economics of relationship as we do for the economics of the spirit (i.e., heaven and hell).
Justice, however, is the foundation for all human relationships – one to one, one to many, and many to many. Justice, according to Aristotle and Aquinas, is defined as giving what is due.
So if you don’t make the accounting, how can you be sure that you are giving what is due? The other side of the coin being this question, how can you evaluate a friendship if you don’t know the accounts?
Obviously, it goes way beyond counting money or hours. But, in fact, what makes a truly good friend is one who is constant and diligent in keeping the accounts in good standing.
In fact, if we blur and gloss over the economics, we do so not so much for the sake of more noble aspects of humanity and spiritual dimension, but, rather, for our selfish and self-absorbed instincts. And our relationships, more often than not, become unequal and/or co-dependent exchanges.
There’s a lot of hustling going on. One way or the other. And that’s a shame and a pity.
We would become better friends and more quickly in the Anubis tribe, for example, if we committed to a fair exchange of thoughtful, heart-spoken comments on each other’s blogs. Say, once per week. Yeah, that’s a time commitment when you consider 20 or more members. But the result would be amazing, magical, and wonderful. What do you think?
Stan Faryna recently posted..Backyard Monsters Cheats- Shiny and Strategy
Hey Stan
To answer your question about anubus tribe. I would second you. I think although it would be a massive time commitment,even if we could find 10 of members whose blogs we resonated we, and regularly showed up there. It would be amazing, magical and wonderful. You would need to get over to .org asap, Stan, otherwise you would leave you readers waiting at the door, without even so much as a cold drink. It’s like trying to get past a locked fortress in the comment section over at your place.
When you break if down like that, I have a clearer understanding of what you mean, and whilst the words “economics” may be misleading, ugly even, in that context. There is something to be said, for not letting the pendulum of goodness, ever swing too heavily in one direction during our relationships.
We may not be able to give what is perceived as equal measure from the other party, or even to the casual observer. However we should give what we have, with a clean heart and with humble intentions.
I don’t hustle in relationships, I give, but I’m also willing to take, and need to learn to both clarify and manage my expectations a bit better. Sometimes you have to let, life, experience and maturity have their way. Your a wise soul Stan
Twitter: Susana_Aires_
May 9, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Dear Stacey,
I am so sorry you had to go through that. We do expect a lot from the people we choose as best friends. I guess because we suppose we know them completely and assume they will react just as we would in any given situation. The truth is we never really know. I also had my share of disappointments and I understand you completely. I loved your advice and agree with all of it 100%.
We mourn. We move on. Meet other people. Choose new friends. That’s life!
Keep smiling,
Susana*
Hi Susana, “we mourn, we move on, we met other people.” Solid words to live life by. I’m glad my advice resonated with you. Thanks for sharing
Twitter: Faryna
May 10, 2011 at 3:45 am
We mourn, we move on, we meet other people. Rinse and repeat? [warm smile] Or improve upon the results?
Stan Faryna recently posted..Backyard Monsters Cheats- Shiny and Strategy
Twitter: todayhaspower
May 25, 2011 at 1:33 am
Hey Stacey,
I have been let down by close friends, even two besties. I must say that I was expecting too much in two of these cases. Because a friend would, in Dino terms, bury a body with you, does not make that same friend a financial expert. If the friend is a financial expert, doesn’t mean they will bury a body (okay, I feel I’m incriminating myself, hope Stan isn’t reading still). I know this makes sense to you. For me years passed and I still have a friendship with one fellow. I realized there are certain things that I shouldn’t ask him to do…although he is good with a shovel:)
Rob recently posted..Does Natural Talent Matter
Twitter: girlygrizzly
July 2, 2011 at 4:00 am
Stacey,
I know (even though I am only reading this post now) exactly the raw open hole feeling that sits inside you. So, I’m really proud of you for sharing it. Big girl! (I hope you take that the right way!) I love the way your voice comes through the way you write.
It’s all about respect. Honesty. Integrity. and Love. Sometimes, you have to cut someone, even someone as special as a BF, completely off to save yourself. That’s survival. The deal breaker for me is honesty. (and I do mean deal breaker)
“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” (~no clue?) No.
You be happy and safe.
~Amber-Lee
Amber-Lee Dibble recently posted..Join Pioneer Outfitters in Alaska, Travel Plans (You Too, Dino Dogan)
Loosing your BF is heart breaking what ever age you are..but when it happens when your a fully fledged grown up, it can be especially sad as you know the likelihood of forming that sort of friendship again is unlikely as it takes so much time
Reading your posting helped me a little bit. My girlfriend of almost 1 year dumped me a month ago and the first person I talked to after was my best friend of four years Katie, and she listened which she was always good at, and she truly helped me get through the pain and shock of the situation. Well I’ve always had feelings for Katie and I took her out to dinner and a movie this past Friday, and we had an amazing time. I kept telling her how much of an idiot I felt for not getting the courage to ask her out on a date sooner, and she agreed. Well I called her yesterday and she couldn’t talk, telling me that she was busy, and that she would call me later that night. Well needless to say, there was no call, and I eventually texted her asking if something was wrong and if we were even friends anymore, (she had been forgetting to call me all week before our date) and she told me that she didn’t know.
It hurt so much to hear that from her, I mean, I have always been there for her through a lot of hard times that shes been through, and it utterly stinks to think that someone that you cared about so deeply could just end a friendship so quickly. I am obviously still reeling from the pain that comes from it all. I just don’t know what to do. I told her that I would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all, and she told me she didn’t know, saying that she was sorry for hurting me.
I feel completely lost, with one heartache stacking on the recent dumping by my ex-girlfriend.
Do you have any advice? I feel lost.
Hi Benjamin, first off all let me say I feel your pain and sorry that your going through such heart ache at the moment..sometime life feels like is sucker punching us. My advice with your friend would be that maybe she is scared, nervous/uncomfortable with this new show of emotion from you..towards her?. You say that she has been your friend for 4 years..and you had been in a relationship for one of those. Now you are confessing to her that you always had feelings for her and wish you have found the courage to speak sooner..I can understand if this would make her feel funny, like maybe you are on the rebound? Possibly keeping her distance is her way or making sure she doesn’t get caught in the cross fire of all the conflicting emotions people have when they are going thorough a break up. Give her space, and give yourself space to heal your broken heart before you even think about addressing your feelings for another women..Katie..or anyone else. Be kind to yourself buddy
THANK YOU!!!!
Just wanted to thank all of you for your posts/blogs!
So glad I stumbled in here somehow…
After reading everyone’s postings…all of which was from your hearts and your experiences.
Really great, as I had only 1 friend that stood by me after I suffered a traumatic injury…
I guess other friends, just didn’t understand what I was going through, so 1 by 1 they fell to the wayside.
This remaining friend of 14 and 1/2 years, I finally had to say goodbye to this past Friday.
I almost ended this only friendship a few years ago, due to her lies, deceipt and many personal betrayals.
But she was my only, I thought “True Friend”, and therefore I remained in the friendship.
I feel so used…
and the fact that she knew she was the only friend I had left, and felt pretty secure that she could do or say anything…and I’d be too afraid to lose my only friend.
Truth be told…she was really right for so long…and I was afraid to terminate my only friendship.
Even as I slowly recovered…and she was a super Christian person, she felt threatened by my physical beauty…so some of her betrayals, though hurtful…I understood why she had said or did what she had done.
My only friend, true…
my True friend…not so much, actually…
Turns out she very much wasn’t.
I finally did end the friendship this past friday…
and your postings have helped me to see it was right and very necessary to my own well-being, though at the same time very painful personally.
Thank you all for your insights…
and may you be blesed in all ways possible…
and may the blessings be as beautiful as they are bountiful…
Thanks for letting me share…and…
Best of Luck to All of You!!!!!
Sincerely,
Tessa
I understand how you feel completely; it is a strange relief and also painful. It is better to happen now, than to wait longer and the pain become worse. Hugs to you!
OMG, Stacey,
I am going through this RIGHT NOW! $20K worth of damages from my former house mate who I TRUSTED, who assured me I could trust him to take care of things while I was absent, who I had to fly back early from Spain to deal with. Totally ruined my vacation. Totally sapped my vital energy and time. And money. Trying to not sink in to a depression over it. And get back on track with my life. Thank you for your insightful post!
Lorna Li recently posted..Social Entrepreneurs Get Help from IDEO’s Human-Centered Design Toolkit
So many similar stories. I had a best friend for over 30 years. A few years ago, my son was killed in an accident. Money that she was entrusted with to honor my son…She spent it on her car. She made me promise not to tell my husband. After nearly having a nervous breakdown, I finally had to tell him about what she did…and more.
Now my former friend lost her daughter. I asked her to please stop telling me about how wonderful another friend of her was. Why? because the person did not come to help my friend. My husband I and were the ones who came, helped, took care of her, gave her food, our car, took considerable time off work. When we would talk, I finally was fed up with hearing about what a wonderful person her marvelous other friend was was when she couldn’t ever be there for our mutual friend when her child died. When I told my friend this, she cut off our friendship. I called, sent notes, emailed. Nothing until today when I received a note telling me how I had wronged her.
This is not a friend. This is a person who cannot understand the feelings of others. This is a person who prefers money over friendship (the marvelous person she speaks of is financially well off, did not help in any way). Until today, I felt her grief, her loss and tried to be helpful in her stage of grief. Now, I see nothing but a self absorbed selfish person who put my well being in jeapordy, using blood money to take care of her own needs, not caring a wit how I might feel.
I am so very happy today. I discovered myself again. She was a friend once. Now I am free. Her personal demands on my life, using me, my husband, money that was not hers, her lack of compassion…How do I feel? Free. Free…Free…of the burden of someone who changed from the fun person I used to know to a greedy, bitter person. I am so free…and so very thankful to be free.
This blog and other comments have been so helpful. I was recently married on January 14 after waiting a very long time to find Mr. Right. My best friend and Maid of Honor “dismissed me,” only two weeks after our wedding allegedly because of sideways gossip she claims came from me. She never confronted me or even told me why – she just sent me a text message saying she never wanted to talk to me again. Since I have no idea what happened, I do not know how to respond I am shocked and completely grieved. Because of this hateful, selfish and very hurtful behavior, I have now decided I do not want to take any steps to mend the friendship. Logically and intellectually, I can understand the process, but it still hurts pretty damn bad. Thanks again for this article and the other comments.
I really like this and the comments. Sadly I am one who has betrayed their best friend. Not to go into details but it just became a he said she said kind of thing. But as this only happened yesterday it is as if I have murdered the one I love dearly for no other reason than selfishness. Alas I am glad to see that hearts do mend on both sides.
Me and my best friend have known each other since 3rd grade, we are 44 now.
He was the best man in my wedding.
Found out during Christmas of 2010 he was exposing himself to my 3 year old daughter.
I will never talk to him again. I am trying to put him in jail.
Twitter: Audy8Love
March 20, 2012 at 6:04 pm
whoa…
Hi Guys..
I though I would share my story with you as I am heart broken as well and am crying hot tears while writing this,
I had a so called best friend since high school, we were very close especially that we lived in the same place so we walked together every day to our homes and we sat together in classes too.. We had great time and no one could ever get between us. I thought that she really loved me and cared about me. I left my other very close girl for her, and this latter was feeling bad that I was close to the one I live near and she all the time confronted me and told me how much she loves and how much I and this girl were different and we shouldn’t be best friends but I just didnt listen becuase I felt that every one was misjudging her. Anywayz, in my final year of high school, I had to move to a different country in which I lived 5 years, and I wasnt going back home for holidays, so basically I havent seen any of my friends for 5 years. Days passed and this girl was the only one i kept in touch with, she used to call me every second day text me and I really loved her. Destiny aimed and I had to go home for christmas, and I did meet her, when she first saw me she was so happy, then we went for a coffee and a long chat, I felt that she underestimated me becuase I was a normal girl, I didnt become as materialistic as she became and since I went back to the country i live in she never called or texted , she ignored my texts and basically rejected me for other girls, who according to her are better representatives than I am because I am a normal girl, I dont run after rich men or wear brands, I dont smoke or drink or take drugs. My best friends rejected me for that !!!! I cant believe it.. I am crying since beacue she broke my heart and trust. I feel really humilated and guess what? a month later, she texted me on her birthday day, blaming me because I didnt remember her!! well I did remember her, but i couldnr call, i was humilated enough, i was and i am feeling very bad, I lost trust in every people, I donno why whenver I give people much and be very nice to them, I am rejected. I feel very upset, it has been three months but I am sure I will get over it again, becuase for me now it is impossible that we become friends again, the bridge that she broke, for no reason, can never be built again. When every one rejected her, I respected her, I loved her, cared about her and was more than very nice to her, she rejected me and thats what I deserve. Thank you
i am nine and i am just so sad cause my best friend was so mean to me i am pretty much crying so much that my eye balls will get so slipy that they will fall out i am so sad (cryes)
I am so glad my google search led me here. Thank you for this blog. I am just fighting tears over some of the comments I’ve read – especially the one about not making friends after 30. I can’t even tell you how many important people have betrayed me at the most critical times of my life when I needed them the most. When my dad was dying, my friend of 37 years said some vicious things implying I should not feel sad. She also took the side of my stalker last fall telling me I had the problem, even though he tried to kill my dogs four times. She made light of it and said “so maybe he did throw a poison biscuit over the fence” as if it were no big deal. I love my dogs! That was the final straw.
A friend, a man I regarded as the father I never had refused to say “I’m sorry” or “My condolences” the morning my father passed away. All he would say is that he lost his parents too. I got a sympathy card from him four months after the funeral. I forgave his callousness. However, he then came to stay with me and STOLE several things from me. That was it. Another friendship ended – this one 11 years.
A woman I met who I thought was a really decent person stole a good gold necklace from me. I overlooked it as she was there for me when my dog died. That friendship eventually ended too, shortly after my father’s passing.
The man I thought was my soul mate hurt me terribly last fall in the midst of the stalking by telling me I was delusional. We spent one night together (after not seeing each other for two years) and he was very affectionate and loving, giving me the impression were we going to get together again. The next night he did a 180 and was cruel and I never saw him after that one night he was affectionate. To add insult to injury, he told me “my features had changed.” Wow, that hurt. I had lost my father after 10 years of Alzheimer’s in August of 2010, I was stalked commencing in August of 2011 and only my therapist has been there for me, I was driven out of my nice home of eight years due to the stalking (it was my new next door neighbor stalking me), and it’s only been one week since the stalking stopped (I hope it has stopped) at my new place.
I have no friends, no support, and trust no one except my therapist. I honestly don’t know at my age, over 50, if I will ever experience any happiness or ever have another friend. Sorry this is so long, but writing this has prevented me from picking up the phone to call the guy who hurt me so. I know I should not contact him as he hurt me repeatedly, but he is the only one who really knows me where I live. Sorry for the length of this.
a friend of mine for a long term. i thought for some reason that the person i had grown-up with was a caring and compassionate person. i had told her something about me that had happened to me that was abusive. she listened to me spill what had happened to me. and decided to ask the abusive person about it and deemed them more important. and reported back to me that i was making it all up and contended that i was crazy. threatening me with abuse to not talk about it. i was banished from the whole circle of friends shortly thereafter and they also reported that i was indeed crazy.
Years went by and i beat myself up about it over and over and over again. Because it was the truth it took a life of its own. and it became this huge stigma against me. i was constantly trying to forget what had happened turn the whole situation on myself. Tell myself it didnt happen, that eventually they would forget about it, and block it out too. and see the good person i had become.
I became completely isolated from people, and felt hated daily. i was diagnosed as severly depressed. I worked in the service industry so of course i had to be cheery and happy and humorous. But the amountof energy i was using was laying me down for long periods of time, so drained of emotion.
Due to a tragic event, I had to be reunited around these people. But i was too drained to even converse through expression. they were even more devious and even more threatening. Abusive and ignorant more than ever. it is a shame. they have reduced themselves to obeying denial. so it is so sad. Not one could face the monster. Why he could have done it to them all.
of course they dont think so…
but the thing is when i did come back and i faced them they seemed to think they were some how in charge. still in charge of me? maybe. but i just cant and hope and pray from here on out i will never ever forget what betrayal did to me and the lies surrounding it to make me believe their care is somehow more worthy. i will never ever allow this back in my life. The good thing is that i faced that demon, and although they physically violated me…I called them out. and they still tried to blame me, tell me I did wrong. But this time I can tell you I did not believe a word of it. And it severed any and all things that come out of their mouthes to me. GOOD RIDDANCE
Janet:
The friend you trusted betrayed a confidence. No matter how you cut it, I would question whether your friend really had your best interests at heart. Obviously, she didn’t.
Move on with your life and make new “groups” of friends from neighbors, co workers, aquaintences and old schoolmates. That way, your friend base will be well rounded. And that’s a good thing.
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