How To Handle Rejection In Friendship

August 29, 2011 · 40 comments

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It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperilled in a hundred battles ~Sun Tzu

This week  I have something special for you. The launch of a new My Lifestyle Max series on “Rejection”, and the first guest post on MLSM – from the one and only Derek Potocki of Goals Blogger.

So I’m gonna say nothing more and let Derek take the stage. Take it away Derek.

****

Some time ago I realized a powerful thing. “If I want to have a great life, I have to study the forces that conspire against me”

Life ain’t no picnic (in case you haven’t noticed), and those forces are real. Believe me!  There are 5 powerful enemies that will destroy you and your chances for a great life, if you don’t know how to deal with them.

I use the acronym ’DFORC’ to describe these enemies:

  • Distraction
  • Failure
  • Obstacle
  • Rejection
  • Critic

In this post I will focus on rejection. Rejection by friends; in particular.

Before I begin, I have a few questions?

How many friends should we have and what’s the criteria?

If there IS a criteria for the number of friends we should have, then who set it up?

Here is my answer:

“Since life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, then neither should the number of friends you have; be set in stone.”

Facebook wants you to have 456 friends. Your church wants you to have at least 11, Twitter wants you to have 34,567 friends (it calls them an awful name : Followers).

The Bible gets my vote. The bible is smart.

It doesn’t give a specific number of friends you should have. I think you’ll find the Bhagavad-Gita probably doesn’t either?

So now we’ve cleared that up, we can safely say that the range of friends you should have; should be anywhere from 0 to 34,567. But analysing the numbers is of little help, because we don’t often use numbers to quantify the quality of our relationships. We use emotions instead.

That’s why rejection sucks and being rejected by a friend, sucks even more.

As far as I’m concerned, there is no cure for feeling bad after rejection. Many of us literally shape our lives to avoid rejection at all costs; that’s how powerful the force of rejection is.

The bad news is: Rejection is a fact of life. It happens all the time.

But thank goodness, there is good news.

The good news’ you’re reading my post and I’m about to teach you how to manoeuvre through rejection like a Ninja, with 5 Secret Ninja Weapons That Cut Through Rejection Like A Katana. And you can use them; any time rejection strikes with its brutal force.

So take a sip of sake, a deep breath, and let’s go.

 5 Secret Ninja Weapons That Cut Through Rejection Like A Katana

1.Black Ninja Suit - Symbolizes Mission. 

Ninja puts on a black suit, before he goes on a mission. The suit says: I’m ready, I know exactly what to do, I have mission to fulfil.

You absolutely have to have a Mission in life and be passionate about that mission. Your passion is your ultimate weapon against rejection. Think about it. If you have a goal, a passion, a MISSION, occasional rejections will not make any difference.

They will be irrelevant in the great scheme of things. But you have to create passion in your life. If you don’t have it, you’re very vulnerable to rejection. You are weak.

2. Black Split-Toe Ninja Boots – Symbolize High Self-Esteem 

Ninja uses Split-Toe boots, to firmly grip the ground and maintain balance. To stand with confidence. The Split-Toe boots symbolize high self-esteem.

You have to high self-esteem. People are not going to run around and worship you all day; they have better things to do. If you don’t have high self-esteem, do everything you can to develop it. Please trust me on this. You need high self-esteem to deal with challenges in life, especially rejection.

3. Katana (Japanese sword) – Symbol Of Detachment From The Outcome

Ninja uses Katana. In our case; Katana symbolizes cutting yourself off from the outcome we are after. 

Detachment is a hard thing to achieve. So is mastering the Japanese sword. But only after you understand the principle of detachment from the outcome, can you fully go after ‘the outcome’. It’s a paradox only few understand.

By detaching yourself, you don’t abandon the outcome. You become a master – not a slave to an outcome. Therefore when rejection strikes, you are still powerful because you can live without that outcome. You are composed.

Being needy is like being a rejection magnet. Every time someone rejects you and you start dancing to the  ”I can’t live without you” tune, you become blind to all the greatness that is around you and attract even more of what you don’t want. Rejection!

People won’t always do what you expect; including your friends. So get over it. You can’t control everything and neither should you want too. Fall in love with the element of surprise and unpredictability. Life is more beautiful with the element of surprise.

4. Grappling Hook - Symbolizes Transformation 

Ninja will use a grappling hook to climb through walls. He will use walls to his advantage.

Every rejection is an opportunity for learning and can be transformed into a lesson. Asking yourself questions like:

.Why was I rejected?   .Maybe I didn’t meet the criteria?    .What is the criteria?   .Can I try again with a different approach?

Help you learn the lessons a lot faster.

It’s possible that the rejection you’re experiencing is only temporary. You’re being rejected simply because you don’t meet the specific criteria. All you have to do is to figure out the criteria and all of a sudden you are not rejected any more. Magic!

If you get rejected by a friend, maybe it wasn’t the right friendship in the first place. Or maybe it’s just a temporary rejection. Don’t jump to fast conclusions. Think.

5.Shuriken ( “throwing star” ) -Symbolizes New Opportunity  

Ninja will throw a Shuriken to attack from a distance and completely catch the enemy off guard. It’s an unpredictable and stealth form of attack.

Every obstacle presents a new opportunity. Sometimes things have to die for new things to be born. Let’s say you get rejected by all your friends (unlikely), then that’s actually a great opportunity to start new friendships. Right!

Final words:

The pain of rejection is a fact. Be prepared to experience it, but you don’t need to drag the burden of it to eternity. It’s ok to let it go!   If all your friends reject you, just contact me via my blog. Who knows, maybe it will be a start of a new, fantastic friendship between us.

If everything else fails, open a Facebook account. 456 friends are waiting to “Like” you long time, and I doubt that each one of them will reject you. If they do, at least they won’t do it all at once. Now that would be a massive rejection ;-)

And even if that happens, there still is Twitter and Google +.

  • Which of these ninja weapons would you use to handle being rejected by a friend?
  • Have you experienced rejection in friendship before, how did you deal with it?
  • What weapon did I miss? Share with us your secret weapon for dealing with rejection?
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{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }

Jessica Northey August 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

I like your post. Commonly I hear people say but “I am so nice” why are they doing this to me. I did some research on that a few years ago and sadly it is the “Battlecry” of a victim mentality.

I think it is important to be independent and have friends in your life but you have to let them also have their space and their own friends. Trying to weave you way into your boyfriend or girlfriends every crack, crevice, venture creates suffocation.

Online, I see people get overly involved in others friendships and this constant need to involve themselves in the other persons conversations, business, ventures is just an insecurity as you mentioned above I think or I read. It’s REALLY uncomfortable being on the receiving end of this.

But at end of day a friendship that is real and meant to be doesn’t have to pushed on you by the other person. Should just happen, right?

Love your blog!! xoxo
Jessica Northey recently posted..Who’s On Your “Celebrities I’d Like to Have a Drink With” List?

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Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 29, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Hi Jessica and nice to meet you;)
Thank you for your awesome comment. It’s fine balance we have to create in this life between being nice to people but not too needy at the same time. Art of living, what can I say…
Personally I find the subject of rejection fascinating.
It is extremely difficult to find that balance and you are right you can see needy people offline and online, doesn’t matter. It is because people will go through a lot of hoops not to be rejected.
If it comes to friendship, I’m with you. It happens naturally. And rejection in friendship is rare in my opinion.
No matter how much we study rejection, it always hurts, at least in my case.
Well, at least I have my ninja weapons;)
Thank you again for your comment.
Derek
Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 11:26 am

Ouch, “the battle cry of victim mentality”… I’d really be interested in seeing or hearing more about your research on this topic Jessica? I also find your observations of the way friendships can be conducted in the on-line sphere very interesting too. I hadn’t actually noticed much of what you say that much myself, but my eyes are definitely going to be more open to this now. From your capitalisation of REALLY, I take it you have some personal experience of this! As for trying to weave your way onto your lovers every crack and crevice…I’m with you…this =SUFFOCATION. Never good.
You nailed so many things with your insights here…thanks : )

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Betsy Cross
Twitter: BetsyKCross
August 29, 2011 at 10:43 am

Hey Derek!
Oil and water…never mix. And the only time I have a problem is when I try to change that truth.
Betsy
Betsy Cross recently posted..Hurricanes Past and Present: It’s Time to Go Home

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Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Hi Betsy,
Love your comment. Based on your interpretation, rejection in life in general or friendship is often unavoidable. It’s a fact of life. Sometimes it’s nobody’s fault. There is no match. Simple as that. So why do we often take things so personally?
People are strange. Irrational. We let feelings run our life. Rejection is a great example, how negative feelings can get in a way of having an awesome life experience.
I can’t wait for the other two parts on rejection series from My Lifestyle Max;)
Come back to study rejection in more depth. Rejection in business should be interesting.
Have a great day. Love. Derek.
Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 11:28 am

Byron Katie, said something like ” When ever I try to fight with reality, I always lose….but only every time” Your comment reminded me of this quote Betsy….good to see you as always.xx

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Nicole Harriman August 29, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Number 3 is the key- detatchment from the outcome. Best lesson I ever learned is I will never be everyone’s cup of tea. Well unless I want to be completely fake and pretend I am what everyone wants me to be and make myself miserable in the process. I personally choose not to do this. As long as the rejection is not caused because of a negative act on your part then it is simply a part of life and if it is because of a negative act then that requires a little self evaluation. Rejection still sucks no matter what you just have to realize if you weren’t that person’s cup of tea you simply need to find someone who likes your flavor. Great post Derek as always.
Nicole

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Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 29, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Hi Nicole,
Thank you for your great comment. Detachment from the outcome is a very hard thing to do, but all the great sages always talk about it.
I’m glad you mentioned something I didn’t. Sometimes, it maybe our fault, due to a negative act on our part, but then we still have to learn from the event and move on.
Self-evaluation (as you said) is crucial.
The art of moving on after rejection is what we are talking about here. I’m glad Stacey came up with this series. Should be interesting to read other bloggers take on rejection.
Thank you again and come back for more goodness on rejection from best bloggers I know.
Derek
Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Nicole Harriman August 31, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Hey Derek,
Glad you liked the we have to examine the cause of the rejection before we move on from it comment. Having tools to deal with rejection are awesome but we must not become so wrapped up in moving on from rejection that we become so immune to it we continue to do the negative acts that sometimes causes it. We should always take the time to look at the cause before we decide to be a ninja and move on or be a monk and look deeper into ourselves.
Rock on,
Nicole

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Derek Potocki
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 31, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Hi Nicole,
I totally, totally agree with you. That’s why I’m glad that you mentioned this. I know, I should have talked about it, but the post shouldn’t be too long, so I had to prioritize.
Thank you again.
I’m with you on this.
Derek
Derek Potocki recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Stacey September 1, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Nicole…I love the way you phrased this important growing point. Sometimes we have to stand still an examine our behaviours before we move on from a negative experience. Moving on blindly will only ensure that we keep making the same mistakes!

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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 11:45 am

Some once once told me I was like Marmite or what the australians call Vegimite…she said ” people will either love you or hate you, but they will find it hard to be indifferent”. I wasn’t sure how to take this at the time, but now I see there is a lot of truth in what she said. Your right…we won’t all be everyone’s flavour…but how boring would it be if we were. Interesting insight you make Nicole. Nice to see you here.xx

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Nicole Harriman August 31, 2011 at 9:18 pm

“Like Vegimite” I like that one Stacey. That’s the exact thing I mean my rejection in friendships have not typically been because of a negative component on my part such as being mean or rude but simply because I am very strongly who I am without apologies and I don’t change to make myself what someone wants me to be in order to have a surface friendship I have tons of acquaintances simply because I have good manners and a good disposition but my friendship numbers are much lower simply because if I am going to invest my time to have a true friendship then all of me must come out… love it or hate it but they will definitely have an opinion:)

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Carol Hess
Twitter: carolhess2
August 29, 2011 at 1:40 pm

A great take on handling rejection from a friend. Thanks, Derek! I never, ever had to deal with handling rejection from a friend until I stopped being a chameleon and started being myself. Ouch!

And then I learned a thing or two — first of all, I really, really don’t like rejection. I feel abandoned and betrayed and have a tendency to make it all about me being less than and not good enough. In fact, I think most of the time it is more about the other person than it is about me. Second, people come in and out of our lives for a reason — usually for a lesson to be learned. Bless the departures as lessons well learned and bless the new arrivals as more yummy stuff to learn.

My Ninja weapon for relationships gone awry is to continue to cultivate the relationship with the one person I know I will always have in my life — me! As I improve the quality of the relationship with myself, lo and behold, the quality of my relationships with others also improves. Funny how that works.
Carol Hess recently posted..The Stuff of Fairy Tales

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Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 29, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Hi Carol,
Your comment goes to the heart of things. Self-love or self-esteem are our ultimate weapons in dea
Ing with the world around us especially rejection.
It is not a popular subject to talk about self-love because it sounds egoistic. But it is true. We can’t be effective in life without a being the best friend to…ourselves.
After that, we can take rejection better.
So let’s be great friends to ourselves, then maybe we will experience less rejection from others.
Spot on and nice to meet you;)
Derek
Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 11:47 am

Hey Carol…all I can say is you are a wise woman..I LOVE what you said here “My Ninja weapon for relationships gone awry is to continue to cultivate the relationship with the one person I know I will always have in my life — me!”

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Bill Dorman August 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Are rejecting and being ignored similar? What if the ‘friend’ is not knowingly rejecting you, but visibly ignoring you causing some of the same feelings of angst?

I don’t recall hardly any friends outright rejecting me, but have certainly gone through some relationships that reached a point it was over, so there was a sense of rejection there. Not much I could do except mope around for awhile; I couldn’t put on my ‘salesman’ hat and try to win them back over at that point.

I did like the way you were able to weave it into a ninja story and it was actually very appropriate.

In my real life world of front line sales, we have to deal w/ rejection all the time. It still doesn’t make it any easier and sometimes you do take it personally but the key is to always have more customers to see and realize if it wasn’t a good fit then it was time to move on.

Thanks for sharing D, hope all is well.
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Derek Potocki
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 29, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Hi Bill,
Thank you for your comment.
Being ignored is a form of rejection to me. I think rejection is a problem when we feel it inside very strongly and for little too long.
Rejection in relationships and in business are next in the series. I’m sure you will have a lot to say on rejection in business.
You have experience in that area for sure!
Thanks again,
Derek the Ninja:)
Derek Potocki recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Jk Allen August 30, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Hey Bill,

Great question about ignoring and being rejected. I’d say that they can be the same. Rejection, to me, is a reaction – how we absorb and react to adversity.

One person may feel rejected while the next person doesn’t – all from the same act.

Sorry for jumping in…your question just made a player think!
Jk Allen recently posted..Conversations with Rob: Learning from a Multi-Millionaire

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Bill Dorman August 31, 2011 at 9:06 am

You can jump in anytime my man…………good comment too.
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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 11:56 am

I have experienced some people who can blow hot and cold within your friendship…all over you like a rash one minute..then barely answering you phone calls the next. Or worse still….you introduce them to someone else within your friendship circle…and all of a sudden they are having coffee/dinner/drinks without you! That kind of rejection can be so confusing. I would add that it’s not necessary to be invited to everything and people are allowed to forge their own friendships…but I think there are also times when you can tell you are being excluded, and that can really hurt :-(

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Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Hurt, it does, no doubt about it. Well, I think all of us participating in this series should go for a glass of wine. I forgot that wine helps to cope with rejection as well.
Oh, well, maybe someday we will.
Until then…
Let’s live to the fullest.
Greetings Stacey;)
Derek
Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Adrienne
Twitter: adriennesmith40
August 29, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Rejection, such an ugly word Derek.

I can honestly say that I’ve never had a friend reject me. Actually, it’s been the other way around. I was the one rejecting them. But as far as relationships go, that’s a whole different story. Thank goodness those instances were a very long time ago but having gone through all of that time and time again I truly believe has made me the person I am today.

Now I know having ventured into the online industry it’s like I had to start all over again with not taking rejection personally. Just knowing that they weren’t rejecting me, they were rejecting what I had to offer. It was a hard lesson to learn but one I finally got down.

I hate that we even have to go through this at times but I just chalk these experiences up to more lessons I needed to learn.

Appreciate you sharing this and will look forward to this series as well. Hope you’ve enjoyed your day!

Adrienne
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Derek Potocki
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 29, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Hi Adrienne,
Rejection by a friend is rare, you are right. That’s why my ninja ways are helpful with any form of rejection.
The funny thing is that we feel bad whether WE are rejected or WHAT WE OFFER is rejected. I know there is a difference. But the offer is still OUR OFFER. So it hurts “like the Dickens” anyway.
Well, we either get burned by rejection and get introverted and bitter or we rock on forward. The choice is always available.
Thank you for your fantastic comment.
I also look forward to the other parts of the series.
Derek
Derek Potocki recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 11:51 am

You make a really interesting point Adrienne, that sometimes people are not rejecting us, just what we have to offer. I made some one a business offer here in Bali recently, and he out right told me he wasn’t interested. I was a little taken a back, and from the bluntness of his tone, on the border of being mildly offended. Then he turned round and invited me to his wedding…., lol. Go figure! I’m learning as I get older and wiser that rejection isn’t always personal…but that the quicker I manage my ego that usually helps too, lol

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minikids prams August 15, 2012 at 8:54 am

I think rejection happens alot more in the modern age with the likes of facebook and twitter people know everyones business and are quick to slag off or fall out with people over the littleless of things.

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Mike Maynard August 30, 2011 at 4:22 am

Rejection I can cope with betrayal is a little more difficult. I had a friend criticise my writing and then a couple of weeks later ask for advice on writing; envy one day turns to admiration another day; such is life! :)
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Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 30, 2011 at 7:06 am

Hi Mike,
Thank you for stopping by.
Rejection, critics, betrayal…all of them are not desired but integral parts of life. Adequate coping mechanisms are necessary to move through life as winners, not losers.
These series is designed to give you the tools on rejection. Come back for more.
Did you give that advice to your friend?
Derek
Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 11:53 am

This is an interesting one…did you take a minute to ask your friend.”Why the change of heart” ;-) In all honesty I can probably handle rejection a lot easier than betrayal…but on occasion there is a very fine line between the two!

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Mike Maynard August 31, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Life is too short to worry, I gave my friend advice but I don’t think he wrote the piece he was asked to. I entered a photographic contest today and he was eligible for that and intended to enter, but he thinks about it; while I do it! There was a residency requirement that meant my friend was eligible and I wasn’t, but there is a shortage of entrants so the rules have been changed to allow my entry. I have a feeling that my friend will be annoyed if I win, but he has to grow up one day! People can be immature and insecure, better to accept and understand that.
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Stacey August 31, 2011 at 12:47 pm

You are right, life is far too short…Good luck Mike..go get em!

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Jk Allen August 30, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Derek,

Greetings! Man, you put together an excellent post my friend. Truly original and one of a kind. I’m sure it’s happened in the past – but I haven’t had a lot of experience with direct rejection from friends. I’ve been betrayed, which to me is rejecting the line of loyalty. And that hurts.

Great job Derek – thank you!

PEACE
Jk Allen recently posted..Conversations with Rob: Learning from a Multi-Millionaire

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Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals
Twitter: Goalsblogger
August 31, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Hi Jk,
Thank you.
I agree, rejection by a friend is not common. But our friendships evolve, that’s for sure. Change is inevitable. Managing change is the challenge. Managing rejection is a great skill to have. Being bitter and hiding from the world after rejection is not the course I want to take, for sure.
Thank you for you comment. Just read your rejection in business post. Powerful message;)
Derek
Derek Potocki @ Smart Goals recently posted..How to create a perfect, crappy day

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Theresa Torres September 1, 2011 at 1:52 am

Hi Stacey! Hi Derek! What an interesting post. I like your idea of using Ninja weapons to combat rejection. I’d like to have the Ninja Boots because that’s were I’m most lacking: self-esteem. I believe rejection won’t be that too hard to handle if we have a high sense of our worth as a person.
I’ve experienced being rejected in friendship before and it was painful. I’ve learned to deal with this kind of rejection by accepting that some people are not meant to be in my life. The ones that stay are the ones that add value to my life and worth keeping.
Thanks for sharing your Ninja weapons. Have a nice day!
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Susana September 5, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Hi guys – Hey Stacey and Nice to meet you Derek!

Ninja Susana reporting ;) : Lately (in these last few years) I mainly use the Katana…. Detachment is a weapon against friends that keep disappointing me. I am proud to be a very caring and accessible friend, always ready to help, to listen, to love and ask the same of them. If they don’t care, why bother?
So, I just detach myself from them… I don’t hold a grudge, I’ll explain why if they want to, but I don’t really insist anymore.

There was a time in my life when I faced depression and was really sick. None of my friends was there for me. It hurt really bad and only made things worse for me. I was friendless, but I still managed to survive. After some time, I found new friends that appreciated me for who I was. So, of course, rejection is very hard, but it’s not an end, it’s a door that needs to be forced to get through for better times.

Have a very happy day!
xxx
Susana
Susana recently posted..Taking Control: How to deal with Stress

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Stacey September 6, 2011 at 7:56 am

Detachment…in the name of self preservation and self love – is a wise and kind thing. Well done on putting yourself first.. I’m so glad you’ve found new friend who appreciate you…I’m one :-)

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Mary Jones October 14, 2011 at 5:44 am

yes its hard in any relationship to handle rejection.
my ex allways put himself first, but now we are seperated I have been putting myself first for a change and am much happier for it.

In my next relationship I will do this more and try and get the right balance this time.
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Kathryn April 29, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I think rejection is tough to deal with but I’ve come to just shrug it off – at least with new people where I haven’t invested years in knowing them. I just figure if someone doesn’t want to know me then it’s ok as I don’t want to know someone who would not want to know me. I guess I am getting better at it or maybe it’s because I have no one to really reject me at this point! :)

I figure other people have not walked in my shoes so if they judge me and decide I’m not up to par, so be it. Like I said, they haven’t walked in my shoes. I do like this topic though and thanks to Derek and Stacey.

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non-exclusive leads December 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm

It’s nearly impossible to find knowledgeable people on this subject, however, you sound like you know what you’re
talking about! Thanks
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Commercial Real Estate Cold Calling Scripts February 28, 2013 at 9:25 pm

Amazing blog! Do you have any suggestions for aspiring writers?
I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
Would you recommend starting with a free platform like Wordpress or go for a paid option?
There are so many options out there that I’m completely confused .. Any suggestions? Bless you!

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